"No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive.This is what makes the life I have now possible.
Inching one's way along a steep cliff in the dark: on reaching the highway, one breathes a sigh of relief. Just when one can't take any more, one sees the moonlight. Beauty that seems to infuse itself into the heart: I know about that." --Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto
Thinking of Banana Yoshimoto and her prose remind me of the orange, late afternoon sun. The vast sky is pure blue and rays of sunlight create elongated shadows of everything. I really love those afternoons. I could bathe myself under that radiant sun, warm but not cruel, until it disappears in the evening sky. Oddly, I relate Banana with that. When I feel depressed and on gray-sky afternoons, I take Banana’s “Kitchen” with me, as if a substitute for sun. The thought of having the book near me, curiously, calms me somehow. Like when I was working on graveyard shift –3 or 4 years ago, I think that was- I always brought it with me at work. And on lunch breaks (which was midnight), I’d curl up on a corner of our office’s sleeping quarters and embrace the book. And like that, I could sleep soundly.
So today, I took it with me here in the office. Not that I’m on night shift again. My head just feels clearer when I have the book nearby. Last week, I felt awful staring at the rain –on a bus, on my way home. I saw a picture of my self on the pavements, on the sheds, on umbrellas, on people, on the glass windows. There I was in the steel barricades separating each bus lanes at each stop -dripping in those tiny, square spaces of their mesh. It was as if physically seeing the relentless seconds, moments, of my life pass right before my very eyes. Just like rain.... I hate rain. Have I ever told you that? It just keeps pouring, soaking everything. Merciless and apathetic.
. . . . . . . . . . . . *sigh*
What was it I wanted to write again? lol. I don’t like it when I post something glum. I want to always write something light and bouncy and happy. I had a purpose when I started typing. And it's not the rain. But then, *checks time* it's already 6. It's the end of my shift. I should head home. Mom said we'll have Udon tonight. Yay! I have been craving for it ever since I saw the episode of Arashi no Shukudai-kun where they featured different Udon dishes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll remember what it was I wanted to say. Banana. Yes, her. And that quote above. I'll hold on to them until tomorrow. But for now, BYE! ^^
I want to write. Frankly, I’ve been thinking of a good start since yesterday but good ideas won’t come. My head is just… bleh. Nil. I guess this is out of exhaustion. I’ve been working on translating Laruku’s Nemuri ni Yosete. And I’m still having a hard time making a proper translation for the title itself.
I was stuck in traffic yesterday too due to the typhoon. My shift ended at 3, but Kristell and I decided to let the rain abate before heading home. We watched several Arashi/JE clips. There was a scene where Tom Cruise was eating a bowl of rice and Kobe Beef and suddenly we were craving for a hot Mongolian Quick Box. So from the new building, Solaris, we brazen out the storm and headed to RCBC’s food court. I don’t know how long we stayed in Mongolian, but the rain just won’t stop and it was getting late. Our only choices were to wait for the rain to subside or brace up and wade through it so we can at least go home at a decent hour. I got home at around 10 –and no, we didn’t wait for the heavy rain to peter out. Traffic was terrible, as always when it rains hard. Thank goodness for mp3 players! So I plugged in my earphones and listened to cheery Arashi songs –because rain depresses me like only it can. I was soaking wet from the rain –in spite of carrying an umbrella- and, probably, from sweat too, inside the cramped jeepney. My clothes were sticking to my skin. But my subconscious kept playing Nemuri ni Yosete in my head. And before I knew it, several songs of Arashi had passed without me actually listening to them. I kept skipping back the songs.
So anyway, here’s what I make of this tenacious song. Next project will be Kaze no Yukue. Hopefully. Depends on the inspiration really, hehe. These are rather old songs of L’Arc~en~Ciel. This is just my way of. . . . coping with the hiatus. By the way, Ken’s first album, IN PHYSICAL, is made of some absolutely awesomecake, isn’t it? Genius! It’s a little sad that the songs were not made with L’Arc, which –thinking about the possibilities– might have been more amazing than how amazing they are now. No kidding. I’m seriously thinking of buying the album. That’s how good it is. And until now, I still can’t get into VAMPS' Evanescent. It’s lacking something –something essential to make it captivating and significant. To me, it can only be as beautiful as a porcelain sculpture. Elegant and cold. I don’t know, I just can’t feel it. Maybe I need to hear it in HQ. But then… I don’t know.
[First, the lyrics in Kanji is ~here~. For the romanji version, ~here~ *you need to scroll down to the 7th track*]
Nemuri ni Yosete [Asleep] music: Ken / Lyrics: Hyde >>>here<<<
The sunlight tricks me to wake up Letting memories secretly creep their way in through the window So again, I close my eyes...
With quiet waves protecting me, I sleep Inside a cradle, swaying and drifting While I wait for the light somehow
To a transparent dream, let me sleep Pulling back the hands of time To a dream, let the broken me sleep To the land of the purest Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up
Ah, it’s unceasing, this constant beating Gently embracing me
Before long, that lullaby's pace will pick up Amidst the noise of the waves I heard a distant voice calling out for me
To a transparent dream, let me sleep Pulling back the hands of time To a dream, let the broken me sleep To the land of the purest Because I don’t want to remember, even now
I don’t want to be touched by anyone Because I don’t want to be broken It’s better if I don’t wake up And stay asleep like this
To a transparent dream, let me sleep Pulling back the hands of time To a dream, let the broken me sleep To the land of the purest A place far away from everyone
To a transparent dream, let me sleep Pulling back the hands of time To a dream, let the broken me sleep To the land of the purest Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up
Ah, the light continues to bring me along... Someday, I wonder if I can return
**Asleep... yeah, that's the best I could think of. I like Meg-chan's translation, 'Lay me down to sleep', but I don't know if I'm allowed to use it. I am not too confident to ask her, ahehe. Or the title may mean 'Approaching sleep' or maybe 'Falling into sleep'. But I don't like how they sound. I'm subjective like that. So for now, I'll leave the translation as 'Asleep'
You fly over the earth I was just gazing at that You fly over the earth Can't you see I am tied to the ground
You keep falling towards the sky You keep falling deeply into a bottomless sky And you grab onto clouds. . .
You fly over the earth I was just gazing at that You fly over the earth Can't you see I am tied to the ground
You fly over the earth Soon you'll start melting into the air You're floating in the air
As I was just staring at that... Standing still
--from 'In the Air' by L'Arc~en~Ciel translation by James Chertudi
In a little while, the year would say good-bye. But before that, a classmate in college already had. She's gone, and in a few minutes this year too would follow her to forever. I only learned about it today, from a bulletin in Friendster. Someone was asking who else would come to her hometown to bid their last farewells. I was not very close to this person, but nevertheless I knew her —be it a shallow acquaintance— talked to her, and laughed with her at times. When I think of her now, the only vivid picture I have of her in my memory is her smiling. The bulletin said she died of cancer and that at first it was only chronic anemia. She did not look it in college; rather she was full of life. And I cannot imagine her otherwise. Her smile is so clear in my head that the present truth seem unreal.
She will no longer have time to fill. Outside the box, outside time, and into eternity. Do words and meanings have no use to her now? Was she able to carry the memories of her life with her? And would they last outside the threshold of time? So many questions; like the stars appearing one by one at a softly lit sky at dusk, they emerge.
Ah, the sun is born of night, it sets again Though no one's here to see - it's endless
--from 'Perfect Moment' by Hyde
If you travel far deep into the universe, will you never really reach its end?
I was in the office today when I got the news, amidst the ceaseless greetings of ‘Happy New Year’ around the office. For a moment, I was blanketed by silence, as if it was night and the cheers were in a far away place; and I was alone looking up at countless stars and beyond that the eyes of eternity were looking straight back at me. It was scary.
I pushed my chair to the right side of my station. I turned to Joey, and once we started chatting light came flooding back in and all was back to normal. I was back.
It was raining on my way home - it did not stop until I was at the gate of our village.
In a while, fireworks will light the night sky. This melancholy will be chased away by the deafening noise of firecrackers and carton trumpets. Tomorrow, 2008 will be nothing more but a mist and gone at the first sign of the morning light. A fresh, with full of promise, new year begins…
