between coffee and chocolate

"No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive.This is what makes the life I have now possible.

Inching one's way along a steep cliff in the dark: on reaching the highway, one breathes a sigh of relief. Just when one can't take any more, one sees the moonlight. Beauty that seems to infuse itself into the heart: I know about that."
--Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto

Thinking of Banana Yoshimoto and her prose remind me of the orange, late afternoon sun. The vast sky is pure blue and rays of sunlight create elongated shadows of everything. I really love those afternoons. I could bathe myself under that radiant sun, warm but not cruel, until it disappears in the evening sky. Oddly, I relate Banana with that. When I feel depressed and on gray-sky afternoons, I take Banana’s “Kitchen” with me, as if a substitute for sun. The thought of having the book near me, curiously, calms me somehow. Like when I was working on graveyard shift –3 or 4 years ago, I think that was- I always brought it with me at work. And on lunch breaks (which was midnight), I’d curl up on a corner of our office’s sleeping quarters and embrace the book. And like that, I could sleep soundly.

So today, I took it with me here in the office. Not that I’m on night shift again. My head just feels clearer when I have the book nearby. Last week, I felt awful staring at the rain –on a bus, on my way home. I saw a picture of my self on the pavements, on the sheds, on umbrellas, on people, on the glass windows. There I was in the steel barricades separating each bus lanes at each stop -dripping in those tiny, square spaces of their mesh. It was as if physically seeing the relentless seconds, moments, of my life pass right before my very eyes. Just like rain.... I hate rain. Have I ever told you that? It just keeps pouring, soaking everything. Merciless and apathetic.

. . . . . . . . . . . . *sigh*

What was it I wanted to write again? lol. I don’t like it when I post something glum. I want to always write something light and bouncy and happy. I had a purpose when I started typing. And it's not the rain. But then, *checks time* it's already 6. It's the end of my shift. I should head home. Mom said we'll have Udon tonight. Yay! I have been craving for it ever since I saw the episode of Arashi no Shukudai-kun where they featured different Udon dishes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll remember what it was I wanted to say. Banana. Yes, her. And that quote above. I'll hold on to them until tomorrow. But for now, BYE! ^^

Oblivious to the approaching light

I want to write. Frankly, I’ve been thinking of a good start since yesterday but good ideas won’t come. My head is just… bleh. Nil. I guess this is out of exhaustion. I’ve been working on translating Laruku’s Nemuri ni Yosete. And I’m still having a hard time making a proper translation for the title itself.

I was stuck in traffic yesterday too due to the typhoon. My shift ended at 3, but Kristell and I decided to let the rain abate before heading home. We watched several Arashi/JE clips. There was a scene where Tom Cruise was eating a bowl of rice and Kobe Beef and suddenly we were craving for a hot Mongolian Quick Box. So from the new building, Solaris, we brazen out the storm and headed to RCBC’s food court. I don’t know how long we stayed in Mongolian, but the rain just won’t stop and it was getting late. Our only choices were to wait for the rain to subside or brace up and wade through it so we can at least go home at a decent hour. I got home at around 10 –and no, we didn’t wait for the heavy rain to peter out. Traffic was terrible, as always when it rains hard. Thank goodness for mp3 players! So I plugged in my earphones and listened to cheery Arashi songs –because rain depresses me like only it can. I was soaking wet from the rain –in spite of carrying an umbrella- and, probably, from sweat too, inside the cramped jeepney. My clothes were sticking to my skin. But my subconscious kept playing Nemuri ni Yosete in my head. And before I knew it, several songs of Arashi had passed without me actually listening to them. I kept skipping back the songs.


So anyway, here’s what I make of this tenacious song. Next project will be Kaze no Yukue. Hopefully. Depends on the inspiration really, hehe. These are rather old songs of L’Arc~en~Ciel. This is just my way of. . . . coping with the hiatus. By the way, Ken’s first album, IN PHYSICAL, is made of some absolutely awesomecake, isn’t it? Genius! It’s a little sad that the songs were not made with L’Arc, which –thinking about the possibilities– might have been more amazing than how amazing they are now. No kidding. I’m seriously thinking of buying the album. That’s how good it is. And until now, I still can’t get into VAMPS' Evanescent. It’s lacking something –something essential to make it captivating and significant. To me, it can only be as beautiful as a porcelain sculpture. Elegant and cold. I don’t know, I just can’t feel it. Maybe I need to hear it in HQ. But then… I don’t know.

[First, the lyrics in Kanji is ~here~. For the romanji version, ~here~ *you need to scroll down to the 7th track*]

Nemuri ni Yosete
[Asleep]
music: Ken / Lyrics: Hyde
>>>here<<<

The sunlight tricks me to wake up
Letting memories secretly creep their way in through the window
So again, I close my eyes...

With quiet waves protecting me, I sleep
Inside a cradle, swaying and drifting
While I wait for the light somehow

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up

Ah, it’s unceasing, this constant beating
Gently embracing me

Before long, that lullaby's pace will pick up
Amidst the noise of the waves
I heard a distant voice calling out for me

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Because I don’t want to remember, even now

I don’t want to be touched by anyone
Because I don’t want to be broken
It’s better if I don’t wake up
And stay asleep like this

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
A place far away from everyone

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up

Ah, the light continues to bring me along...
Someday, I wonder if I can return


**Asleep... yeah, that's the best I could think of. I like Meg-chan's translation, 'Lay me down to sleep', but I don't know if I'm allowed to use it. I am not too confident to ask her, ahehe. Or the title may mean 'Approaching sleep' or maybe 'Falling into sleep'. But I don't like how they sound. I'm subjective like that. So for now, I'll leave the translation as 'Asleep'

a calm before the morning light downpours

You fly over the earth
I was just gazing at that
You fly over the earth
Can't you see I am tied to the ground

You keep falling towards the sky
You keep falling deeply into a bottomless sky
And you grab onto clouds. . .

You fly over the earth
I was just gazing at that
You fly over the earth
Can't you see I am tied to the ground

You fly over the earth
Soon you'll start melting into the air
You're floating in the air

As I was just staring at that...
Standing still

--from 'In the Air' by L'Arc~en~Ciel
translation by James Chertudi

In a little while, the year would say good-bye. But before that, a classmate in college already had. She's gone, and in a few minutes this year too would follow her to forever. I only learned about it today, from a bulletin in Friendster. Someone was asking who else would come to her hometown to bid their last farewells. I was not very close to this person, but nevertheless I knew her —be it a shallow acquaintance— talked to her, and laughed with her at times. When I think of her now, the only vivid picture I have of her in my memory is her smiling. The bulletin said she died of cancer and that at first it was only chronic anemia. She did not look it in college; rather she was full of life. And I cannot imagine her otherwise. Her smile is so clear in my head that the present truth seem unreal.

She will no longer have time to fill. Outside the box, outside time, and into eternity. Do words and meanings have no use to her now? Was she able to carry the memories of her life with her? And would they last outside the threshold of time? So many questions; like the stars appearing one by one at a softly lit sky at dusk, they emerge.

Ah, the sun is born of night, it sets again
Though no one's here to see - it's endless

--from 'Perfect Moment' by Hyde

If you travel far deep into the universe, will you never really reach its end?

I was in the office today when I got the news, amidst the ceaseless greetings of ‘Happy New Year’ around the office. For a moment, I was blanketed by silence, as if it was night and the cheers were in a far away place; and I was alone looking up at countless stars and beyond that the eyes of eternity were looking straight back at me. It was scary.

I pushed my chair to the right side of my station. I turned to Joey, and once we started chatting light came flooding back in and all was back to normal. I was back.

It was raining on my way home - it did not stop until I was at the gate of our village.

In a while, fireworks will light the night sky. This melancholy will be chased away by the deafening noise of firecrackers and carton trumpets. Tomorrow, 2008 will be nothing more but a mist and gone at the first sign of the morning light. A fresh, with full of promise, new year begins…

~soon the season's climax will hum~

Only 3 days left before Christmas! (n_n)

Finally, I'm done for the day! *floor* Today's load was insane and I got dizzy what with the ridiculous number of customers wanting to... Ow, I'll just shut it. My head still hurts. I knew today would be very very busy. But the work that came exceeded my expectation. Oh, my poor head (>.<). Joey gave me a handful of chocolates to cheer me up (it definitely felt being demented and the sweets kinda worked - a little).

So anyway, as the holiday season's climax draws near, I'm becoming more restless at each passing day. There's Christmas, then there's the New Year. With all the maddening preparations and festivities, it feels as if time is passing too slow and yet too fast at the same --and I'm caught right in the middle, my head aches. Again, my poor little head (T.T). The coming year looms like a shadow of a tsunami poised to flood everything clean. It’s a little overwhelming just to think about it. But, yes, I’m eager for it just the same. Let the waters downpour on me, I'm sure it would be refreshing.

My friends and I were supposed to spend the 26th by the beach to watch the sunset (would’ve been more fitting for the New Year’s Eve, but I cannot spend that without my family around me). This morning, Rachel sent me a message to inform that our plan is cancelled and we’re camping somewhere else –she said it’s a bit risky to stay by the seashore with this weather. The mornings indeed have become very cold and the winds are stronger. I now have to wear a jacket, in spite of putting on a long-sleeve top already, on my way to the office. I’m not up for this cold climate – I’m a ‘warm-weather’ person through and through. Camping still sounds good, though I was looking forward to sleeping by the seashore as the heavy wind brushes up my face and smell the fresh salt water. It would've been lovely watching the sun as it colors the vast sky into a magnificent painting, letting the colors brush off the sea --yes, I only intended to be the lucky spectator, as swimming is out of the question. But, oh well…

-----

I finally got the short clip of Ysrael playing as Samson in one of the past Cantatas in our church –and it’s one of my favorite too. I think this was 2004? **I forget** Botan edited it, adding the subtitles and putting clips of JE boys in the upper right to make it seem as if it was featured on a Japanese TV show. She uploaded it at youtube **brilliant! hehe** and sent us the link. I’m not sure if Ysrael had seen it yet though. If he discovers that I’ve also embedded it in my blog, he might skin me alive… But, I’m taking my chances, hahahaha!

Full Moon

Okay, before I get serious with work, or before I get buried in it, let me just post this poem. I have been holding this for several days already. I could not bring myself to post it - everytime I read it I find something lacking in it. And I would edit it everytime. So before the feelings that I've poured into this poem dissolve into a soup, please let me post it. Anyway, I dedicate this to my blog's avid reader - who is none other than 'me'. Who else do you think reads this blog with such diligence as me? Hahahaha....

This is what happens when you overdose on 'Il Postino/Pablo Neruda". Someone gave me an interesting term for this.... hmmm, what was it? Artistic masturbation.... or something close to that. I can't remember exactly (gomen ne)

Wait, I don't even have a proper title for this poem. I know this poem is nothing close to extraordinary, but as 'Mario' said poetry is for those who need it. And also, if I keep procrastinating I'll never be able to post this. So here,

---




To See You

I want to see you.
This desire is persistent like a wound that would not stop bleeding.
It scatters on the bluest color of the sky,
until it breathes on every word and spills to the air.
And like a relentless wind in search of an unknown place,
I'm constantly in pursuit of you.

But I cannot see you,
I am a still full moon afraid to move
because beyond that horizon, over that fragile distance,
there you are in full radiance.
It's the light known only by a tree's roots
because they continue to grow –
farther to the core of the Earth.

But the desire is there,
to see you
under the ubiquitous sky.
It plays the melody that I cannot put into words.
It is, more than anything,
a wish, a prayer,
a child that I could not stop from being born.
and a tear that I cannot let to fall.

As long as the moon and sun rise and set inside my heart,
there will be no forgetting.
Your image appears in the crashing of the waves,
inside a coffee shop between the senseless chatter of people,
in the soft clicking sound of porcelain cups against saucers,
soothingly cold and clear,
warm as a stranger’s unguarded smile.
It pours as sudden as rain in the dead of night.

But I cannot see you.
This I know clearly.
The size of this desire is equal to my understanding of why it cannot be satisfied.
And my soul buried in this wonderful picture,
a still full moon afraid to lose sight of you.
It is not to separate from the black expanse of the night,
nor for its light to step into the vast blue sky.

But like the moon that cannot meet the sun,
I want to see you.

---

**I don't know much about Nobuyuki Hirakura. I only know him because he made a few songs of Laruku into acoustic - and, may I add, he did a wonderful job. I was listening to his acoustic of 'Vivid Colors' when I was writing this poem so thought I should also add it here**

While reading Amrita

"On a beach anyone can be a poet.

I've heard that when you stand on a beach and look out over the ocean, it's really 20 percent larger than you expected."

- Amrita, Banana Yoshimoto

For some reason, I'm finding it hard to finish 'Amrita' in just one sitting. It feels too heavy. Once I begin reading it, I'm warped into a sunset in its full color - bright orange, red, purple, and pink. All of it floods inside me in one breathing. It’s something that I cannot hold for too long. Maybe that's why sunsets are so fleeting.

I’m not making any sense again, am I?

I was stuck in traffic the other day all because of the typhoon. I walked a long way, just to find a bus that still has empty seats. A poem suddenly came to me then. The crowd was 20 percent larger than I expected *hahaha*. I recited the poem in my head over and over, afraid that it’ll slip away. But I’ve lost my confidence. It came to me like a vivid dream, but now it just sounds sloppy. I might have been just under the influence of Hyde and Banana – and the cold wind. In all honesty, I’m not a very articulate person and I was never really good at poems. But I’d like to believe that I can somehow, although clumsily, stitch words together. It’s either that or I’m deceiving myself. So, anyway, the reason I’m writing now is probably Banana’s influence on me again.

I was reading Amrita and a question popped in my head. It’s not a random question, but it’s the sort of question you’d ask yourself if you’re reading Amrita. How much have I changed over the years? I’m not really sure. For one, I used to adore rain. I loved the sound it creates -as it pours down over the cemented streets and over our tiny garden. But I’ve learned to appreciate sunny days. Just awhile ago, rain was pouring and I’m thinking how lovely it would be if the sun would turn up. From our bedroom window, our garden looks a lot better under the warm sunlight. This maybe is the one thing I’m certain that has changed in me. . . That and the joy I found in the company of my family.

Am I getting old? Hahaha . . .

I had a purpose in mind when I started writing this – something about ’20 percent larger than you expected’. But my parents unexpectedly handed me a cheeseroll and a glass of calamansi juice (when they've just arrived home from church). Now the reason for this blog was lost. Sheez . . . My thoughts are now drowned by the sound of the rain and the song “Tell Me” by Wonder Girls *laughs*

**My friends and I had to cancel our ‘mountain-climbing’ trip because of this typhoon. It was supposed to be my first attempt – but now I must wait until November. And hopefully I find the courage – and the words - to finish the poem I started.