between coffee and chocolate

"No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive.This is what makes the life I have now possible.

Inching one's way along a steep cliff in the dark: on reaching the highway, one breathes a sigh of relief. Just when one can't take any more, one sees the moonlight. Beauty that seems to infuse itself into the heart: I know about that."
--Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto

Thinking of Banana Yoshimoto and her prose remind me of the orange, late afternoon sun. The vast sky is pure blue and rays of sunlight create elongated shadows of everything. I really love those afternoons. I could bathe myself under that radiant sun, warm but not cruel, until it disappears in the evening sky. Oddly, I relate Banana with that. When I feel depressed and on gray-sky afternoons, I take Banana’s “Kitchen” with me, as if a substitute for sun. The thought of having the book near me, curiously, calms me somehow. Like when I was working on graveyard shift –3 or 4 years ago, I think that was- I always brought it with me at work. And on lunch breaks (which was midnight), I’d curl up on a corner of our office’s sleeping quarters and embrace the book. And like that, I could sleep soundly.

So today, I took it with me here in the office. Not that I’m on night shift again. My head just feels clearer when I have the book nearby. Last week, I felt awful staring at the rain –on a bus, on my way home. I saw a picture of my self on the pavements, on the sheds, on umbrellas, on people, on the glass windows. There I was in the steel barricades separating each bus lanes at each stop -dripping in those tiny, square spaces of their mesh. It was as if physically seeing the relentless seconds, moments, of my life pass right before my very eyes. Just like rain.... I hate rain. Have I ever told you that? It just keeps pouring, soaking everything. Merciless and apathetic.

. . . . . . . . . . . . *sigh*

What was it I wanted to write again? lol. I don’t like it when I post something glum. I want to always write something light and bouncy and happy. I had a purpose when I started typing. And it's not the rain. But then, *checks time* it's already 6. It's the end of my shift. I should head home. Mom said we'll have Udon tonight. Yay! I have been craving for it ever since I saw the episode of Arashi no Shukudai-kun where they featured different Udon dishes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll remember what it was I wanted to say. Banana. Yes, her. And that quote above. I'll hold on to them until tomorrow. But for now, BYE! ^^

Oblivious to the approaching light

I want to write. Frankly, I’ve been thinking of a good start since yesterday but good ideas won’t come. My head is just… bleh. Nil. I guess this is out of exhaustion. I’ve been working on translating Laruku’s Nemuri ni Yosete. And I’m still having a hard time making a proper translation for the title itself.

I was stuck in traffic yesterday too due to the typhoon. My shift ended at 3, but Kristell and I decided to let the rain abate before heading home. We watched several Arashi/JE clips. There was a scene where Tom Cruise was eating a bowl of rice and Kobe Beef and suddenly we were craving for a hot Mongolian Quick Box. So from the new building, Solaris, we brazen out the storm and headed to RCBC’s food court. I don’t know how long we stayed in Mongolian, but the rain just won’t stop and it was getting late. Our only choices were to wait for the rain to subside or brace up and wade through it so we can at least go home at a decent hour. I got home at around 10 –and no, we didn’t wait for the heavy rain to peter out. Traffic was terrible, as always when it rains hard. Thank goodness for mp3 players! So I plugged in my earphones and listened to cheery Arashi songs –because rain depresses me like only it can. I was soaking wet from the rain –in spite of carrying an umbrella- and, probably, from sweat too, inside the cramped jeepney. My clothes were sticking to my skin. But my subconscious kept playing Nemuri ni Yosete in my head. And before I knew it, several songs of Arashi had passed without me actually listening to them. I kept skipping back the songs.


So anyway, here’s what I make of this tenacious song. Next project will be Kaze no Yukue. Hopefully. Depends on the inspiration really, hehe. These are rather old songs of L’Arc~en~Ciel. This is just my way of. . . . coping with the hiatus. By the way, Ken’s first album, IN PHYSICAL, is made of some absolutely awesomecake, isn’t it? Genius! It’s a little sad that the songs were not made with L’Arc, which –thinking about the possibilities– might have been more amazing than how amazing they are now. No kidding. I’m seriously thinking of buying the album. That’s how good it is. And until now, I still can’t get into VAMPS' Evanescent. It’s lacking something –something essential to make it captivating and significant. To me, it can only be as beautiful as a porcelain sculpture. Elegant and cold. I don’t know, I just can’t feel it. Maybe I need to hear it in HQ. But then… I don’t know.

[First, the lyrics in Kanji is ~here~. For the romanji version, ~here~ *you need to scroll down to the 7th track*]

Nemuri ni Yosete
[Asleep]
music: Ken / Lyrics: Hyde
>>>here<<<

The sunlight tricks me to wake up
Letting memories secretly creep their way in through the window
So again, I close my eyes...

With quiet waves protecting me, I sleep
Inside a cradle, swaying and drifting
While I wait for the light somehow

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up

Ah, it’s unceasing, this constant beating
Gently embracing me

Before long, that lullaby's pace will pick up
Amidst the noise of the waves
I heard a distant voice calling out for me

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Because I don’t want to remember, even now

I don’t want to be touched by anyone
Because I don’t want to be broken
It’s better if I don’t wake up
And stay asleep like this

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
A place far away from everyone

To a transparent dream, let me sleep
Pulling back the hands of time
To a dream, let the broken me sleep
To the land of the purest
Until this pain softens, don’t wake me up

Ah, the light continues to bring me along...
Someday, I wonder if I can return


**Asleep... yeah, that's the best I could think of. I like Meg-chan's translation, 'Lay me down to sleep', but I don't know if I'm allowed to use it. I am not too confident to ask her, ahehe. Or the title may mean 'Approaching sleep' or maybe 'Falling into sleep'. But I don't like how they sound. I'm subjective like that. So for now, I'll leave the translation as 'Asleep'

Random is Random!

**Because I feel a lot better when my fingers are tapping the keyboard, though whatever gushes out from this little head be schmaltzy and as cliche as roses given on Valentines day. I find the rapid clicking sounds when I press the keys relaxing**

-----------------------------------------------

How lonely the sea must feel
Beneath the boundless sky she adores.
Because no matter how many times she repeats
the stanzas of poems and songs the sky composes,
Like the colors it sheds on her,
They will never be her own.
And the unfeeling world between them
Exists to keep them in place.
It’s unfair that she could only gaze up
As the light of dawn
Illumines the vast blue sky
And as each fresh orange sunset
Makes it blush.
Yet, when the sky finally looks below
It only sees the beautifully dyed
Though muddle reflection of itself.

*looks up* Yaks, cheesy! LOLOL

Like the grasses covered in white snow

WHITE SONG
lyrics&music : hyde
english translation : lynne hobday
>>here<<

Breathe
Crisp and cleansing the winter air
I dream of a world in a peaceful sleep
Snow falling gracefully down
Rejoice in winter's deep charm
I can't wait
I can't wait

Freeze
People gather around the fire
I feel all the warmth that the cold inspires
Frost covered tree tops are bright
Shimmering silver tonight
I can't wait
I can't wait

I hope snow will fall upon us soon
Everywhere
The whole world veiled in white
I'd be reset to face the seasons
Once again

Yes on and on falls the snow
Like diamonds from the sky

Our broken hearts - paint them white
Lead us into a wonderland
Pure as the snow - virgin white
A new beginning

I hope snow will fall upon us soon
Everywhere
The whole world veiled in white
I'd be reset to face the seasons
Once again


----------

I was gone for almost four days last week. I attended the wake for an aunt who died from breast cancer. Her death was hard to accept for all of us. We didn’t know she was suffering from cancer. She never told us. And it is frustrating to know that she could’ve been saved. But she was afraid to be examined by a doctor, of the bills that might come forth, and of asking for help. It was only when the disease had spread through her arms and lungs did she tell us that something was wrong. As she sat on her bed in the ward, she told my cousin, who was waiting on her at that time, that truly regret comes only when it’s too late to turn things around… I am angry. She should've been here still, making us laugh with her usual quips and gibes. If only we had known sooner, we could've at least helped her --accompanied her to the hospital (force her to, if needed). But I have no use for this anger now…

Last December, one of my classmates in college passed away too. And I think I wrote something about it... More than anything, it made me think of myself and eternity. But a death in the family is different. When I arrived at my aunt’s funeral and saw my family mourning, I honestly prayed to God “please, let me die ahead of all of them.” That was cowardly of me. It was a selfish prayer. But I will not take that back --at least, I'm not yet ready to. At the small service held during the funeral, the priest prayed for my aunt’s soul. I’m not catholic, so I don’t believe in that. What I believe is that when you’re out of here, you’re out –the link between this world and you is completely severed and you either move on to heaven or hell (Rach, correct me dear if I’m mistaken). Prayer is for the living, for the ones that are still tied in here. . . . pray for strength and for acceptance -–to accept that my aunt is no longer there, inside that huge city hall where she used to work. . . and that no one will call my cousin Tintin anymore even though her name is Abby. . . and that voice, the funny way it sometimes calls out our names in jest, will no longer be heard. Was. It would take time to accept that when we talk of her we would have to say “she was.” Was is a harsh word. . . Let me not attend any more family reunions on someone's funeral. . . Let this be the last time I say prayers of this sort. Let me be selfish. Allow me to pour these words of my coward self into this tiny knot in time, and contain them here, locked up forever. . . .

Shade of Autumn

I'm back to work. 'Was absent yesterday. Before anything else, here's a song that made me of the deepest shade of blue the other day. Somebody dared me to listen to this with the lyrics in hand. It's an old song of Laruku, from the album Tierra. And I rarely listen to this one -I doubt if anyone would otherwise. It's a bit too sappy, but thankfully it's short (well, the lyrics at least are).

Also, I was stubborn enough to try and translate it on my own *sheepish*. So pardon the mistakes and don't be afraid to point them out to me. ^^


Hitomi ni utsuru mono
L'Arc~en~Ciel
music: Ken / lyrics: Hyde
>>here<<

[english translation]

Here in my eyes
Dyed in autumn's color
Is a bird, the sky, and you
Red fallen leaves and you . . .

The throbbing pain from that time
Will soon fade slowly into the calm

In this plaza you love
Our white breath entwine

Before long, these fallen leaves will turn to snow,
And remain like that even on the day we return here

In my eyes

----------

[Kanji]

瞳に映るものこの


私の瞳の中
秋の色に染められた
鳥と空とあなたがいる
紅い枯葉とあなたが･･･

せつないあの頃の
ときめきは　もう
薄れて緩やかな安らぎに変わる

あなたの好きなこの広場に
吐息白く寄り添う

枯葉はやがて雪に変わりゆくけど
いつの日もここへ来て　そのままでいて

瞳の中に

They say life begins at 40

To our dearest dearest,



~
A soft and quiet breath escapes from my lips.
I tie it on a paper airplane,
and release it to the heavens.
No matter how far, it travels
to find its way to you.
A wisp of a warm breeze, a stray summer's kiss,
to gently brush your hair and,
ever so softly,
whisper a blessing to your ear.

a calm before the morning light downpours

You fly over the earth
I was just gazing at that
You fly over the earth
Can't you see I am tied to the ground

You keep falling towards the sky
You keep falling deeply into a bottomless sky
And you grab onto clouds. . .

You fly over the earth
I was just gazing at that
You fly over the earth
Can't you see I am tied to the ground

You fly over the earth
Soon you'll start melting into the air
You're floating in the air

As I was just staring at that...
Standing still

--from 'In the Air' by L'Arc~en~Ciel
translation by James Chertudi

In a little while, the year would say good-bye. But before that, a classmate in college already had. She's gone, and in a few minutes this year too would follow her to forever. I only learned about it today, from a bulletin in Friendster. Someone was asking who else would come to her hometown to bid their last farewells. I was not very close to this person, but nevertheless I knew her —be it a shallow acquaintance— talked to her, and laughed with her at times. When I think of her now, the only vivid picture I have of her in my memory is her smiling. The bulletin said she died of cancer and that at first it was only chronic anemia. She did not look it in college; rather she was full of life. And I cannot imagine her otherwise. Her smile is so clear in my head that the present truth seem unreal.

She will no longer have time to fill. Outside the box, outside time, and into eternity. Do words and meanings have no use to her now? Was she able to carry the memories of her life with her? And would they last outside the threshold of time? So many questions; like the stars appearing one by one at a softly lit sky at dusk, they emerge.

Ah, the sun is born of night, it sets again
Though no one's here to see - it's endless

--from 'Perfect Moment' by Hyde

If you travel far deep into the universe, will you never really reach its end?

I was in the office today when I got the news, amidst the ceaseless greetings of ‘Happy New Year’ around the office. For a moment, I was blanketed by silence, as if it was night and the cheers were in a far away place; and I was alone looking up at countless stars and beyond that the eyes of eternity were looking straight back at me. It was scary.

I pushed my chair to the right side of my station. I turned to Joey, and once we started chatting light came flooding back in and all was back to normal. I was back.

It was raining on my way home - it did not stop until I was at the gate of our village.

In a while, fireworks will light the night sky. This melancholy will be chased away by the deafening noise of firecrackers and carton trumpets. Tomorrow, 2008 will be nothing more but a mist and gone at the first sign of the morning light. A fresh, with full of promise, new year begins…