and so, the quandary

Finally some quiet time! *desk*

Work has been stressful today. Thankfully, the ruddy cases have stopped coming. But, in all honesty, I liked having to work on them *smiles*. These past few weeks had been extremely dull here in the office. It's not like I'm complaining. I'd be crazy to! I mean, when had a lazy person complained about not having any chores to do. But there's only too much I can take when it comes to loafing. So today's workload is an aberration I was really happy to take. My head hurts just a little though. But I'm fine to be frazzled every once in a while. *laughs* What a relief to know my brain can still function as it should be. :P

And so, I said I'll be holding on the thoughts I had yesterday *points at post below*. I still am. It may take me a while before I can properly put them into words understandable by a person other than myself, hehe. My thoughts are still in a state of a... hodgepodge. In a sentence, it's mainly about "What does it mean to be alive?" Sheez, that sounds so clichéd I can't help but cringe. Hahaha. But it's frustrating to have to think about it, isn't it? I must really be getting old.

There's something Anne of Green Gables had said about regret that I can't forget. I think I had followed that series until... uhm, the 4th book? That was during my high school years. I did not know then that the scene (in the 3rd book, I think) where she went out for a stroll on a beautiful afternoon, when the flowers were blooming, will make this much impression on me. She said she would regret not taking a walk in that beautiful day when she's 80. So she went out and seized the day. In effect, I've been also thinking about things I might regret not doing when I get to 80. . . . But, the truth is, my dilemma is exactly THAT something that I have to do. Yes, I am fretting about not coming up of things to think of regretting when I'm past my prime. Omigawrsh, I'm worried of my aged self regretting not deciding on things I might regret. Ugh. It's depressing and mental. It's almost laughable. These blasted ruminations! :/

between coffee and chocolate

"No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive.This is what makes the life I have now possible.

Inching one's way along a steep cliff in the dark: on reaching the highway, one breathes a sigh of relief. Just when one can't take any more, one sees the moonlight. Beauty that seems to infuse itself into the heart: I know about that."
--Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto

Thinking of Banana Yoshimoto and her prose remind me of the orange, late afternoon sun. The vast sky is pure blue and rays of sunlight create elongated shadows of everything. I really love those afternoons. I could bathe myself under that radiant sun, warm but not cruel, until it disappears in the evening sky. Oddly, I relate Banana with that. When I feel depressed and on gray-sky afternoons, I take Banana’s “Kitchen” with me, as if a substitute for sun. The thought of having the book near me, curiously, calms me somehow. Like when I was working on graveyard shift –3 or 4 years ago, I think that was- I always brought it with me at work. And on lunch breaks (which was midnight), I’d curl up on a corner of our office’s sleeping quarters and embrace the book. And like that, I could sleep soundly.

So today, I took it with me here in the office. Not that I’m on night shift again. My head just feels clearer when I have the book nearby. Last week, I felt awful staring at the rain –on a bus, on my way home. I saw a picture of my self on the pavements, on the sheds, on umbrellas, on people, on the glass windows. There I was in the steel barricades separating each bus lanes at each stop -dripping in those tiny, square spaces of their mesh. It was as if physically seeing the relentless seconds, moments, of my life pass right before my very eyes. Just like rain.... I hate rain. Have I ever told you that? It just keeps pouring, soaking everything. Merciless and apathetic.

. . . . . . . . . . . . *sigh*

What was it I wanted to write again? lol. I don’t like it when I post something glum. I want to always write something light and bouncy and happy. I had a purpose when I started typing. And it's not the rain. But then, *checks time* it's already 6. It's the end of my shift. I should head home. Mom said we'll have Udon tonight. Yay! I have been craving for it ever since I saw the episode of Arashi no Shukudai-kun where they featured different Udon dishes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll remember what it was I wanted to say. Banana. Yes, her. And that quote above. I'll hold on to them until tomorrow. But for now, BYE! ^^

15 minutes before log-out

What am I doing? It's a quarter to 3 PM. In just a little while I head home. Hopefully a bit before 5 because at 5 I go out again, this time with my sister and brother, to watch Harry Potter. Thereafter, I -we - head home again. And then, tomorrow, I meet with my colleagues and take a jaunt at the salon. I'll get my hair straightened, because it's such a bother tying it in a bun everyday. I'm too lazy like that. And then what? Gawd, this life is so taxingly boring, isn't it? I'm getting bored just typing all this write now. I'm tempted to press CTRL+A and then hit delete. . . . Uhm, I'm at least excited for later and tomorrow. After tomorrow, I won't have to comb my hair anymore. Hahahaha. I don't hate my hair that much. Really.

I'm sorry. I'm just really tired. Tired of thinking what to think. And of thinking about things that are better left ignored. I'm currently listening to Astor Pazziolla -hoping to unwind and help me figure out what to make of these... downpouring quiet thoughts. I don't understand them completely yet. They're all jumbled together like a salad. I have no confidence to share them either. It's nothing big. Honestly. Just small things I ask myself about things... and my self. The most frustrating are questions that I can only ask. The answers are as distant as the mute stars. So anyway, these past few days had been quite depressing. I find even the rain depressing. But let me be clear, to whoever is reading this, that I am not a suicidal person. I fear death the most because I don't want to leave this life yet. So, I'm safe, ok? lol.

Ok, I'm done for the day! *rushes home*

".....But I'm only human"

Haven't been myself lately.... And I am still in no condition to be writing. I am a falling autumn leaf. It seems that all desires or drive to make anything worthwhile I'm keeping in my bones have gone on hiatus. I still don't feel like doing anything. Bleh~

. . . . . And so, I just dropped by to say "Hi!" because I miss blogging. But I don't miss it that much yet to write something that is. . . . . . really something. lol. So now, peeps, I go back to being a falling autumn leaf and listen to Michael Jackson's songs :P. I'll see you all when my summer comes around.

Mata ne (^_^)//


*** P.S. To be clear, this is not a hiatus notice. XD